git-roast

The performance review your git history didn't ask for.

Analyzes your actual commits and generates a sarcastic, data-driven roast. No AI, no API keys — just your git log and the cold, hard truth.

Install

npm install -g git-roast

Usage

cd your-project
git-roast

# Or point it at a repo
git-roast --path /path/to/repo

What It Analyzes

• Overview — commit frequency, activity span, pace rating
• Commitment Issues — longest disappearance, weekend/late-night commits, Friday deploy habits
• Commit Message Therapy — message length, fix ratio, WIP count, repeated messages, profanity, one-word commits
• The Files You Can't Stop Touching — most-edited files, total files touched
• The Body Count — insertions vs deletions, biggest single commit
• Branch Graveyard — stale branches collecting dust
• Final Verdict — 1-10 score with a sarcastic summary

Example Output

═══ COMMITMENT ISSUES ════════════════════════════

Friday commits (14) vs Monday (4). You deploy on
Fridays more than you start on Mondays. You are
the reason SREs drink.

═══ COMMIT MESSAGE THERAPY ═══════════════════════

38% of your commits start with "fix". You're not
developing software, you're playing whack-a-mole.

═══ THE BODY COUNT ═══════════════════════════════

Biggest single commit: +6,351 lines
The PR for this was approved by someone who values
their weekend.

═══ FINAL VERDICT ════════════════════════════════

Performance Score: 8/10  ████████░░
Solid work. A few bad habits, but nothing that
would get you fired. Probably.

Twitter Content Ideas

• Run it on React, Next.js, or any famous repo
• Screenshot the "Commitment Issues" section — it's always personal
• "I ran a performance review on my own git history and I'm not okay"

Author

Carson Roell (@Chuckiesbeats)

License

MIT